Falling Further

A few weeks ago I blogged about how I had some how lost my fitness stuff. How I’d let life get in the way, found myself sliding backwards.  How for the first time ever I had dropped out of events.  I promised to do better.  To get my mojo back.  To start over.

Instead, I did something else entirely. I started smoking again.  A habit I had ditched a few years ago.  It took about two days to get hooked all over again.  To get back to a packet a day.  I quit working with my Personal Trainer as I don’t have the energy to keep up with him.  All the old habits are back.  My eating is totally and utterly out of control.  Whatever I had harnessed four years ago to get me to tackle my obesity, whatever had given me the ability to walk into a gym when I was the biggest girl there had gone.

I still set the alarm. I still packed the gym bag the night before.  I still ordered all the healthy food.

Only the food rotted in the fridge. And when the alarm rang I applied the fuck it methodology and went back to sleep.

Here’s the thing about a blog. It keeps you honest. And I need to be, to myself as much as anything else.  After all, I wrote a book about my success.  So I need to write about my failures too.  Or I am no better than one of those celebrity types who endorse a diet at Christmas that I am so keen to criticise.

Today, I am figuring it out. What the fitness stuff used to mean and why I did it.  What it means for me now and tomorrow.  How I find my way all over again.  Today, I don’t have any answers.  I am just asking myself the questions.  I started this blog and wrote my book just to see if I could help someone else along the way.  So if I figure it out, I’ll share it here too.  And to everyone else fighting a hard battle….. you are not on your own.

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